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A skinny hound starring in a commercial for thin crackers. How very apropos.

 

The Bachelor: Leaving on a jettisoned plane

Guest blogger Girl writes:

We're down to Jake's final foursome. Why is it though that as the number of pilot wife candidates decreases, so too, does the excitement? The most interesting part of this episode was the last 20 minutes, and no Chris Harrison, it wasn't because it was the "most dramatic rose ceremony EVER!" Actually, in fact, there was no rose ceremony, for the first time EVER!

Jake has to fly (as a passenger, most unfortunately for him) from coast to coast to mix and mingle and sweat under the scrutiny of each of the four ladies' families. We see him leaving his swanky hotel in San Francisco wearing long cargo shorts and flip flops. If I had any doubts that he was employed in commercial aviation before, they were most certainly vanquished at that moment.

Here's more proof that he's in aviation.

The preview listing for these four meet 'n greets promised that:

"He finds one to be very protective, must work to win over another gal's mom, has serious questions for the third's family and is grilled by the fourth's."

To tell you the truth, at the end of it, I have no idea which family was being referred to in each of these scenarios. I find the home town dates to be the most excruciating part of the season. The only glimmer of promise was the prospect of female family members quizzing Jake on what it's like to be with a pilot, and the male ones hitting Jake up on what it's like to be a pilot.

But there was to be no such aviation talk. The sole reference to his job was during his hometown date with Tenley in Oregon. She choreographs a dance routine just for Jake and performs it for him. At dinner, her mom asks, "Has Tenley had a chance to see you do what you love?"

"Oh aviation?" Jake perks up.

The dates were all the same, regardless of the locale, whether it be New York, Massachusetts, Oregon or Florida:

1) Jake arrives in black vehicle, wearing a black outfit.
2) Girl leaps into his arms. (Gia had the best leap, Vienna the longest hang time)
3) Girl shows him something special about her town. (you know, visiting a deceased grandmother's house or sailing along alligator-infested waters)
4) Girl and Jake arrive for dinner with family.
5) Food remains untouched. Parental takes Jake for some one-on-one time.
6) Approval sought. Approval won. Jake's campaign to marry four girls is unbeatable, I tell ya.
7) Parents are starry-eyed. Girl is even more starry-eyed.
8) Girl tearfully says goodbye to Jake, thinking that she is *the one*.
9) Repeat with next girl.

The only telling part? When Jake mentions that Vienna has brought the wrath of the other contestants on her. Her family isn't too surprised, saying that's the reaction she always receives, because she always goes after what she wants.

But let's not get into that touchy subject. Let's move onto lighter fare, shall we? Tell me about all the cars she's crashed! Jake asks with laughter.

Jake, if you flew planes like Vienna drove cars, you wouldn't have a career. Do you really want someone like her to be the, ahem, co-pilot in your life? You couldn't rely on her to help you with flight planning. Hell, she couldn't even be counted on to do the radios. Remember, as you told Tenley, it's about the "we" in the relationship - not the "V". 

It's not until the day of the rose ceremony in Los Angeles, when a distraught Ali knocks on Jake's door, that things heat up. "I just found out I have to choose between staying here and going back to work," she tearfully tells Jake. Is she about to pull a Swiderski?

Ali is looking for reassurance from Jake that she wouldn't be throwing her career at Facebook away if she decided to stay. 

"Life is about minimizing your regrets. And you just have to weigh what is your bigger regret. I think I'm very blessed to be very lucky to have met you. Selfishly I would want you to stay here and take a chance on me, but I can't guarantee you right now I will put a ring on your finger."

Ouch. Not good enough, Jake.

Later he admits, "I came here to find love. And I think I found her. But this time my decision is not mine to make."

The most dramatic non-rose ceremony ever! Photo from BuddyTV.com

Finally, at the rose ceremony, Ali sees Jake in private and says her decision is made. She is leaving. 

"I feel like you're slipping right through my fingers and I don't know how to stop you," Jake says as he escorts Ali to the goodbye limo.

As she is driven away, Ali fears that she has made a big mistake. She is obviously still torn. Oh, Facebook, how could you do this to her? And what is her status update going to be? Perhaps "Ali thinks she's going to start a Work Sucks group because her job caused her the love of her life" ? 

Jake pulls a Mesnick at the nearest railing before making an amazing recovery and waltzing back in with nary a care, to his three remaining ladies.

The Bachelor: It's about heart appeal

Guest blogger Girl writes:

Love is in the air. Specifically, in the San Franciscan air. The final five are whisked away bused to the city by the bay, and no one's more excited than Ali, who lives there. I am also quite excited, because this week there are three aviation references - a nice recovery from last week's crash landing of only a single cheese moment.

This week there are three one-on-one dates and a two-on-one. The courting begins with a Tenley-Jake outing. "Let's get our love on track in San Francisco," the note reads. Not surprisingly they take a ride on the cable car - privately of course - and head over to Chinatown. "You feel like you're in a foreign country," Jake remarks.

Jake, I hardly recognize you without your brown elbow patches! Photo from Buddy TV.

The two enjoy dinner on top of Coit Tower. "What do you expect from a marriage?" Tenley asks.

"I expect my wife to have my back, no matter what. Respect from my wife is one of the most important things to me. A marriage is never going to be perfect, but the love can be." So, in other words, be very patient and understanding as I will be away a whole whack of time but that's because I have a very important job, and that job comes first. 

Tenley also brings up the subject of "pilots and faithfulness."

"Cheating is a choice. You have to consciously make a choice. And the woman I marry will be the last woman I look at." In other words, he will be faithful. Aviation will always come first.

The second date card arrives, and it's for the two-on-one. "Ali and Vienna, come be the queens in my castle," Corrie reads, much to their horror. Kidding! It's really for Gia and Vienna.

Gia's worried about feeling like a third wing, I mean third wheel, as Vienna's very confident and outgoing. 

"I'm my daddy's princess and now I'm Jake's queen," Vienna gushes. Oh grow up.

They spend the day, evening and overnight at a castle-like structure in a Napa Valley vineyard. Vienna sneaks to Jake's room, only to be sent back to hers. I am not liking this girl. She is annoying, immature, and looks like she has two permanent black eyes.

Corrie gets the ticket for the next date. "Love is a walk in the park," says the note. In other words, this is the boring date.

There's a rowboat. And some squawking ducks. And dinner in a Science Academy amidst some scary looking fish. And despite Corrie revealing that she's saving herself for marriage, Jake insists that she's not opening up. As we all know, this is really Bachelor-speak for "I don't feel anything for you."

But Jake keeps Corrie's hopes aloft in the sky, like a soaring plane. "It's not about sex appeal. It's about heart appeal." Who fed him this gem? Chris Harrison, was it you?

It's time for the last one-on-one. "Ali, I want to leave my heart in San Francisco. Show me your city."

Ali is stoked. "On our first one-on-one, you showed me your 'home'..."

"Aviation," Jake interjects.

"...and now I get to show you mine."

They buy flowers, have brunch, walk along the water, and sit on a blanket in a park.

"It's not super extravagant. I'm not taking you up in a plane or up in a boat," says Ali.

"That's my job." Jake proudly puffs out his chest.

Ali must really, really dig Jake because she ruins her suede boots while playing in the water with Jake. Now that's love. Love for me was seeing that dog playing fetch among the water in the background. Somehow I found that more captivating and way more dramatic. Catch it! Catch it! C'mon! Get it! I cheered, even when Ali and Jake's twirling hindered my view of the ball-obsessed pooch.

At the rose ceremony, Corrie is sent home. Not a surprise. As if Jake would send Vienna departing. We can only hope he gets his head out of the clouds soon.

The Bachelor: On the Wing of Fire

Guest blogger Girl writes:

Jakes loves to camp. Jake loves the outdoors. Jake loves not dressing up. Jack loves tacky themed motels. Is this the same pilot that 25 beautiful bachelorettes signed up to woo?

Welcome to week 4, where 9 lucky ladies remain. Just as the contenders are on the decrease, so too are the aviation puns. This episode clearly had a lack of them. Boo.

Instead of taking off in a private jet, the girls find out that they're heading off in a pair of RVs up the California coast. For some inexplicable reason, this elicits screams and jumps up and down.

Jake blazes down the highway on his motorcycle, and arrives first at a vineyard where he sets up camp - literally. He's an outdoors kind of guy, he explains, as he looks lovingly at his tent.

The ladies arrive and set up camp down the hill. Still no aviation references. Even the note card is a disappointment. All it says is, "Let's go over the moon and be under the stars" and that one-on-one date is given to Gia.

Jake wants to see how NYC Gia handles the big outdoors: playing hide-and-seek among the vineyard trees, dining on wine and cheese, and cuddling under a big warm blanket by a pre-made campfire. Surprise! Despite wearing stiletto heels, she passes with flying colors and that just knocks Jake's wool socks off. (To his credit, casually dressed Jake was wearing a nice pair of black 7 for All Mankind jeans.)

"I've absolutely had an absolute blast," Jake blubbers as he hands Gia a rose.

And before we head to commercial break, we see Jake toss a rose into a fire for the umpteenth time.

Next up is the group date at Pismo Beach with Ashleigh, Corrie, Jessie, Tenley, Ali, and Vienna. Jake greets them wearing his Ray-Ban aviator sunglasses and his Levi's, and tells them they're going to go dune buggying. There are three buggies in total, and Jake will be driving one of them.

And here is the SOLE aviation pun of the episode. 

"I wanted to be his co-pilot," Vienna whines as Ali sinks her claws into the shotgun seat beside Jake.

But she quickly recovers. "Go ahead, I"m going to marry him so you go have your 30 minutes in a dune buggy with him."

Sand dune surfing follows, and Jake confesses about Tenley, "I just find myself drawn to her." We then see Jake knocking her over and pulling her down the sand dune.

They get cleaned up for dinner at the Madonna Inn. Well, the ladies get glammed up; Jake literally just cleans up. He is still dressed in his cotton casuals as the six come strutting out in their cocktail dresses and heels. 

I'm sure the Madonna Inn is really pricey, but did anybody else think it was the tackiest, most outdated motel ever?

Jake spends one-on-one time with each bachelorette in one of the themed suites. Shockingly, the Cloud Nine room is not used - I was sure that Ali was still there. 

Ali? Ali, are you there?

I am truly disappointed. There are 110 themes in all at this Inn, and not one is of an aviation theme. Yet there is a Tack Room, a Barrel of Fun, and a Rock Bottom. Tenley manages to impress amid all the visual chaos, and wins a rose.

Moving on to the next date. It's a two-on-one dinner date with Kathryn and Ella, which means one of them will be sent home that night. Jake arrives to pick them up, and Ali remarks, "He looks so sexy in his lumberjack get-up." Was that before or after she noticed the big elbow patches on his brown plaid shirt?

Both ladies lack the fuel for the long haul with Jake, and are sent home. The others are shocked and - get this - are seemingly distraught. Why? Shouldn't they be happy that their odds of staying are that much better?

And if you thought they recycled or composted the roses, heck no. Jake dramatically tosses the unclaimed rose from the two-on-one date into a waiting fire. Yes! The moment we had been waiting for finally makes sense at last. But where did that fire come from?

Rose ceremony. All the remaining girls are burning bad for Vienna to go home. Did Jake send her home? Of course not. Instead he hopes that Jessie and Ashleigh enjoyed their flight on Rose Air, because it is now over for them.

The Bachelor: Jet Set Desperation

Guest blogger Girl writes:

After last week's big scandal, how were the producers going to keep us viewers on the edge of our (plane) seats? Looks like help in the form of helicopters, dolphins and a crazy bachelorette named Michelle was just what pilot Jake needed to keep the ride just bumpy enough for us at home to stay tuned this week. Oh, and a few more aviation gems, of course - because that's why you read this, right?

Self-proclaimed daddy's girl Vienna gets the first one-on-one date with Jake. They are whisked away in a helicopter and as they soar over the canyon, Jake becomes visibly nervous. Turns out they are about to go bungy jumping and he is afraid of heights. I know what you're thinking. "WTF?!"

Jake takes a moment to explain himself. "People think it's crazy that as a pilot I'm afraid of heights, but when you're in a plane you're enclosed." Right, so glass makes for a really nice cushion should you fall.

Naturally, Vienna also shares his fear of heights. What young woman on a reality TV show competing for the affections of a commercial pilot doesn't?

They both stare down the 120ft drop, strapped at their ankles and paralyzed by fear. (I would like to take a gratuitous moment to brag that I have happily jumped off a 140ft bridge. So take that, sissy Jake!)

Jake is appreciative that Vienna calms him down. But did anyone else notice that he's got his arm solidly around the bungy jump operator and not Vienna's?

They manage to take the leap of faith together, and post-jump, upside down, they share a kiss. Jake is enormously impressed by Vienna's willingness to embrace this challenge, and her strength during his time of wimpiness.

"She rises to the occasion and I think that is something that carries a relationship." She'll need it.

Vienna gets a rose and they canoodle in the pool. "I'm on cloud Jake right now!" she gushes. Now, is that anywhere close to Cloud Nine where we left Ali last week? 

She comes back to the house all happy and bragging, and the other girls don't like it. In fact, they really don't like Vienna. At all. This makes for some first-class dramarama. This also means that Vienna will be around for awhile.

This week's group date takes place at a comedy club, and the eight girls on the date have to come up with their own jokes and perform them in front of Jake and a live audience. Cue the plane jokes! But my hopes come crashing down. Not a single pilot pun or aviation dig. Not one.

So here's one I found on the Internet. And it features a dog, nonetheless:

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!”

(From Celebratetoday.com)

Out of all the girls, Michelle the psycho is definitely the worst at being funny. Comparing your breasts to coconuts never makes for a good punchline. "She doesn't need a husband. She needs a therapist," Elizabeth points out. 

Hey Michelle, the palm trees are calling. They want their coconuts back. (Photo from buddytv.com)

Meanwhile, back at the house, we learn that Ella, the single mom of the pilot wannabe boy, gets the second one-one-one date. "Let's lift off to another world," reads the note. These notes are gems, I tell you!

Ella, too, is chauffered in a helicopter with Jake. She loves the ride, and of course she wishes her son was there to share the experience with them. Ella gazes wondrously out the window.

"I do this every day. That's why I'm a pilot," said Jake. So it's really about the scenery. I knew it.

They arrive at Seaworld - and you know what this means. Dolphins! And oh yeah, here comes her son Ethan running into the park to surprise her mom, toy airplane in hand.

After having fun with the seals and penguins and other aquatic delights, the trio enjoy a picnic, where Jake gives Ethan an airplane (but what happened to the first one?).

"I have, like, four airplanes. I want to fly a bomber," says Ethan.

"The kid loves aviation and he's really smart. I like him," says Jake.

At the cocktail party, pyscho Michelle tries to kiss Jake but he's not responding. She threatens to leave (again), and this time Jake calls her on it and asks her to leave. Buh-bye!

After the rose ceremony Elizabeth (yay!) and Valishia are also given their tickets home. Nine passengers remain. Who will make their final connection?

(In case you missed the earlier action: Week One | Week Two)

The Bachelor: Flying high on cloud nine

Hijacking guest blogger Girl writes:

Week two of the Bachelor and already our big scandal breaks out. How can we top that? Why, by soaring high above the nastiness to more aviation sappiness!

By the way, if you're looking for a Bachelor re-cap, I'd recommend going here (for fun) or here (for spoilers). My weekly posts are all about the flying, baby!

There are two group dates and a one-on-one date in this episode. The first group date, an InStyle Magazine photo shoot, is uneventful except for a nervous Christina who feels intimidated by all the models and pageant girls around her. Jake swoops in like an airplane and saves the day, dipping her with the utmost of grace and putting her at ease. Cue the swoons.

Ali finds out that she's the lucky recipient of a one-on-one date with Jake. "Ali, come fly with me. Jake" reads the note.

The date is a pure pilot pun goldmine. That's because Jake flies an airplane! Finally. It took a an excruciatingly torturous 1.5 episodes. But first he has to ride that stupid motorcycle with poor Ali in stiletto pumps and a strapless dress holding on for dear life, to get to the airport. But ever the trooper, Ali doesn't mind and relishes the opportunity to be close with him, even though she's about to face the fear that she's supposedly had for the past 8 years: her fear of flying.

"This date is gonna put her on cloud nine," says Jake. You do remember she has a fear of flying, right? Right?

At the airport, Ali asks Jake if this is the kind of plane he flies - a tiny Cessna 172 Skyhawk LOL!! Oh Ali, you are so cute. (By the way, I had to look the plane up. The aviator of the household was unavailable to confirm this. So if it's a different plane, please let me know.)

"I can probably fly anything at this airport. This is for fun," Jake replies. Does anyone else notice that he suddenly gets all serious? Pilots are serious people, folks.

"Let me run around do a quick pre-flight and I'll be right with you." Cue Jake checking everything inside and outside the four-seater airplane - and him flipping his leather jacket over his shoulder. Really!

"I trust him, he's a professional," says Ali. We get it. He's a pilot. And he gets paid for it.

"I promise you're in good hands. I've got so much time in this," Jake reassures a nervous Ali.

Despite her shakiness, Ali does all right with the takeoff and the flight. So much so that she lets go with a series of flying lines:

"We were floating up into the air."

"I just felt so safe. I am absolutely on cloud nine." Whataya know, Jake was right!

"The plane taking off was our relationship taking off. If that's the case, I'm staying in the plane, because I am flying high."

And during this flying scene, On the Wings of Love plays! 

On the wings of love
Only the two of us
Together flying high
Flying high
Upon the wings of love

I admit, despite the corny lines, I like Ali. She's going to be around for awhile. In fact, I'll go out a limb and say she should be the one. 

 

They reach Palm Springs International Airport. Jake: "We conquered one of her fears."

Ali: "So great to see him doing what he loves. I love adventure and this is his life. I would love for this to be our life." Honey, I hate to break it to you, but it's not all about romantic plane rides to private concerts in lush deserted parks. He'll probably be away a lot, you'll have lots of plans canceled or compromised, and his socks will smell like vinegar after a week of flying.

As we see them hopping into a cute classic convertible for the ride out to dinner, Jake confesses, "My feelings are taking off." Groan.

Ali and Jake really seem to connect over dinner and while dancing as Chicago plays You're the Inspiration. 

"Jake swept me off my feet and I never want to come down again," Ali gushes. They kiss, and needless to say she gets a rose and is safe for another week.

The last group date is pretty uneventful both in terms of aviation cliches and drama. The only punny part was the note itself announcing the date: "Love has its ups and downs."

But wait! It wasn't about aviation! Got you! It was about roller coasters. They had a group date at Six Flags.

Finally we have the cocktail party with all 15 women. Ella, one of the three that didn't go out on a date with Jake despite it being her birthday (that's just heartless, Jake), receives a birthday cupcake from Jake.

"Jake is an incredible man, and it's hard not to be on cloud nine when you're with him." Sorry sister, Ali is already a resident there. Turns out this Cloud Nine is a pretty popular destination.

He reveals that the airplane she gave him the first week (ie. took from her son) is on his nightstand. She is understandably touched.

And then the scandal breaks out. La la la, end of innocence - and aviation cheesiness - for this week, anyway.

The Bachelor: Your Boarding Pass to Cheeseville

Guest blogger Girl writes:

Apologies for the hijack, but since I have no blog this is my only outlet. Thanks in advance, Ribsy.

"Hey what about me?" said Mirabel.

Honey, it's not your blog. OK, so back to the subject at hand.

I will be writing a post about The Bachelor every Monday night. Please ignore Whippet Snippets on Monday if these entries will bother you. Regular whippet programming will still continue the rest of the week.

The Bachelor is arguably the cheesiest reality show on TV, but somehow it works, despite the fact that there's only been one marriage resulting from all the various unions of love. Now in its fourteenth season, I've watched it on and off but this time it's different.

Fasten your seatbelts, ladies...introducing the Bachelor - Jake Pavelka, the pilot.

 
The promo spots were filled with aviation cliches, from "Rose Air", to "Jake's looking to make his connection" to "This time Jake's in the pilot's seat" to "There's going to be some turbulence" etc. etc. etc. - so naturally, I wondered, how far could the show take it? I rubbed my hands in delight.

After all, aviation as a profession is glamorized and romanticized way past its expiry date. Way to take advantage of a struggling industry, ABC.

So what better way to throw it back to the show and the network by re-capping all the eye-roll-worthy lines spouted off each week about flying and airplanes and the like?

Here we go. I expected more in the introduction. But instead we are treated to ample footage of Jake without a shirt doing random tasks: hammering nails, walking around his kitchen, taking a shower. OK, it's necessary to remove your shirt to take a shower, but is it necessary to film him while he's taking a shower?

But there are, naturally, photos of him as a child in an airplane, of a teenager in front of an airplane, footage of him putting on his uniform, no doubt getting ready to go fly an airplane.

In his first interview with Chris Harrison, Jake does not disappoint while spouting off about his love for aviation. Besides saying "I'm nervous" enough times to circumnavigate the globe, Jake manages to enthuse:

"I've been in the pilot seat all my life but I've never been in charge of anything like this."

"Flying is just like being in love."

"Flying is my art."

"Flying is my passion."

"It's intense." (Flying, in case you were wondering.)

But wait this is The Bachelor, so Jake remembers to pull it back:

"Love is more powerful than flying."

Not super corny, but we're off to a good start. Things really start to take off (like an airplane, get it?) when the ladies land (oh this is too much) at the mansion.

Jake knows how serious aviation is (it is a job, after all), but do the ladies? Hell no! Besides the two pilots and the corporate flight attendant among the 25 contestants, none of them really have a clue.

"There's something sexy about pilots."

"I'd fasten your seat belt because it's going to be a bumpy ride."

"You have a registry for these guns?" (Not aviation-related but corny as hell.)

"You look amazing in your suit but I can't wait to see you in your uniform."

The blonde pilot bachelorette, handing Jake a pair of sunglasses: "I'd like to give you these aviators because we are a pair of aviators."

"Hopefully in the end, I can become your co-pilot." BARF.

"You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime." Gross. In any language.

"It's going to be a wild ride."

Contestant gets dolled up in one of those 'sexy 50s stewardess' costumes: "Is there a pilot here? Your flight attendant is here!"

Catty competitor: "I think we should tell her that her flight's getting evacuated!"

Slightly forward but whatever works moment: contestant engages Jake in a game of airplane. "We played airplane. How many girls played airplane?" Oooh, that's clever. Good one. So much more original than a stewardess outfit. 

Even the conversation between the bachelorettes revolve around flying.

"Who's joined the mile high club?"

The best response: "Me? No, Jake and I haven't flown together yet."

And the lines keep coming, even after the rose ceremony where 10 girls are sent flying into the sunset (LOL!):

"I wanted to be your co-pilot. Now I'm just waving from the tarmack." Enough already.

Finally, we're treated to a montage of future group dates, one-on-one-dates, dates on a plane, jumps into the water, a shocking scandal, and lots of promised dramarama, but not before we get one more affirmation of how awesome this season's going to be:

"That fact that Jake is a pilot is totally hot!" Like OMG, totally.

Chained to the telly

So the Olympics are going on right now. As an athletically gifted dog, Ribsy has been watching it with great interest, in between treat-begging and napping. His favorite event is still to come - sprinting, natch - but there's been lots of coverage to follow and little medal winning on the part of Canadians. Actually, no medal winning to be exact. If only there was a neck-grabbing or fetch-and-release event for dogs. He'd win hands down. Until track and field starts, Ribsy is staying riveted to women's beach volleyball. He quite admires that American Kerri Walsh. What an amazing athlete! Plus she's kind of whippety looking. In a good way.